Dear Diary...

I've got a confession to make - I fucked up. I figured over a month ago that I didn't need this blog so I dropped it but since then I came to the realisation that this blog provided a great outlet for me whether it was good or bad news. Since I stopped the blog I could feel the anger and frustration from derby build up. I figure bringing this blog back is better than putting holes in the wall.There's no rules this time around, this blog will be whatever it needs to be.

There's a few things that have been bouncing around in my head that I need to get out before my head explodes. I'm sorry but the rest of this post may get messy and all over the shop with no real structure. It feels as though I'm forever battling myself, and it's frigging tiring. Whenever I have a setback with derby there's a part of me that will have a whinge but keep going but there's always that other part of me that thinks I should pack it in and quit since I'm only getting injured and not getting anywhere fast. Derby is the first thing in MANY years that I've not quit when I've had a setback. In fact, it's the one thing that's given me the most setbacks that I'm surprised I haven't quit, I'll get around to why I think I haven't pulled the plug.

Most people have probably heard the term 'roller derby saved my soul'. I don't know if it did mine but it certainly helped get my life back on track. The issue in question isn't important but the longer I'm involved with derby, the more the 'old' me comes back. I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be and there's more fight in me. I know when some people take up derby they create a persona that could be completely different to how they are in real life. That was never my case, in fact I'd never create a fan page for myself on Facebook (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with those that do) to separate derby and real life because it's one and the same for me. The only difference is just like when it comes to Liverpool, derby allows me to show my passion for the sport, so I'm a LOT more vocal and a lot less mellow haha. Maybe it's a good thing that I do bout reviews because I'm too busy scribbling down notes to let loose with the cheering and yelling :D

I admit I'm extremely hard on myself. If we had a swear jar at training and I had to pay for every swear word I say at training when I fuck something up or get frustrated I reckon our league could buy a factory outright and convert it to a derby venue. Especially the last few weeks when I've either struggled to keep up with the pack or can't do the drills properly, it's like why the hell is everyone else getting it but me? The other one is getting injured and having to watch from the sidelines. This isn't a woe is me, I'm after some sympathy paragraph. It's frustrating as fuck not being able to keep up with the rest of my team mates. I swear on all my Liverpool possessions that I'm not the slightest bit jealous, in fact I'm so bloody proud of them and what they're able to do on the track. I just hate the fact that I'm holding them back during drills or endurance because I can't keep up with them.

Which leads me to bouting. If/when that day ever comes I don't know how much fun I'd have, let me explain. I'm extremely competitive, I have been all my life. I'd get the shit's if I lost a game of uno. I was always like that with soccer, unless we were hammering the opposition I'd be fully focussed on the game and of course take it personally if I fucked up but I'd never take it out on my team mates, I'd actually be the one to pick them up. I reckon I'd be the same with derby.

I have this constant fear lurking over me that I'm not going to make it in derby. People seem to like my bout write up's I do for Roller Derby AU but I'm selfish I don't want that to be the only thing I do with derby. I want to be good enough to bout with HARD. There's days where it feels like it's no closer to happening.

I don't politics or play games so I'd never put my hand up for any Board member roles when it comes to voting at the AGM. I'd help out any other way I could whether it's doing write up's, NSOing, working on strategies I think I'd be of more help in those areas. Speaking of tactics/strategies I've discovered since I started doing those that I've been able to pick up patterns certain players/combos of players use, especially NRDL since I've covered a shitload of their bouts already.

In regards to NRDL I don't deny they became my favourite league before I even put on a pair of quad skates. When I joined HARD, Newy then became my equal fav. What the? I don't even play for NRDL, what gives? When it comes to teams I'm extremely loyal it's why I've been a Liverpool supporter for over 22 years. When I pick a team, I stick with them and Newy is no different. When the day comes that HARD bout against NRDL, I'll be hoping for a HARD win but no doubt the bout will hold extra significance for me and I won't apologise for that. 

I think that's about it for now.

- Sylv